Well - I dated.
I am glad I did. It didn't work out but it was .....eh who am I kidding - I was sick to my stomach most of the time. I hated waiting to hear from him. I was comfortable when he was here - or we were together. He was a nice guy - but he was waiting for me to call him - me to tell him what I wanted to do. Not doing that anymore. I am so over being the orchestrator (sp?) of the relationship!
I am more than willing to meet someone half way but after almost 30 years of directing - I am done.
So I am ok - I will keep looking :)
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Date
I did it! I went on the date :) And holy crap! I had fun!!! He was sweet, engaging, attentive and interesting. We had dinner then still occupied the booth for another hour talking. Then we went outside and talked for another 20 minutes. I came home feeling accomplished - liked - confident. He asked me out for a 2nd date. And I will go. We have talked on Facebook everyday since then and he called me today. We have moved on to telephone lol. We will try to go out Saturday.
This is what I needed. Some fun! All those questions I had on my blog the other day? Gone! I know now what I would do it he came knocking at the door - let him in to say hi to his kids then send him on his way. I am not responsible for him or his happiness anymore. I am responsible for mine and my kids. I won't even try to control him or his actions - they were never in my control to begin with. What a relief! What a weight off my shoulders!!! I am not responsible for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't nor should I try to control him or his actions! What a concept lol.
I feel free for the 1st time since the divorce was final - maybe since 11/08 when he left even. I am truly free.
Thank God!!!!!!
This is what I needed. Some fun! All those questions I had on my blog the other day? Gone! I know now what I would do it he came knocking at the door - let him in to say hi to his kids then send him on his way. I am not responsible for him or his happiness anymore. I am responsible for mine and my kids. I won't even try to control him or his actions - they were never in my control to begin with. What a relief! What a weight off my shoulders!!! I am not responsible for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't nor should I try to control him or his actions! What a concept lol.
I feel free for the 1st time since the divorce was final - maybe since 11/08 when he left even. I am truly free.
Thank God!!!!!!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
New Beginnings
A friend of mine told me that writing helps him to work things out. So since I have determined not many people actually look at this maybe this is a way for me to vent - be me for once. This past year has been ......challenging I guess. Moved into an apartment after living in my own home for 14 years. Making this space my own (along with my opinionated daughters) is still a challenge - I have 1 piece of art on 1 wall. The rest are blank white.
So what am I waiting for? More money? A ray of joy? Inspiration? I honestly don't know. So if I think about that - and if I am honest with myself I think I am waiting for it to happen again....for him to come running back. Even though I have sworn to myself that I won't take him back - that I have promised my kids I wouldn't do that to them again - I really think that it it! I am waiting for him to come knocking at the door asking me yet again to take him back. Is it so that I can say a resounding NO!? Or is it because I can't believe it's over? Is it because I can't stand the feeling that I failed? Should I have tried even harder than I did? How? How could I have been a better wife? I did things he asked that looking back on it no man should ever ask his wife to do! He shouldn't WANT his wife to do. But I did them - for him. Everything I have ever done since I was 20 I have done for him. How fucking sad is that???
So where does that leave me now? 26 years later I am divorced with 2 kids, in an apartment, with a car that is old and cranky, no assets, with kids who deserve so much better than this. Worrying every minute of every day about money - how am I going to pay the bills - how am I going to give them everything they want? The ex thinks the $500 a month in child support (which I was STUPID enough to tell the officer to reduce it to $500 from $647!) absolves him from ANY responsibility to them financially at all! WTF!
Divorce was final on 3/30/11 and since then the girls haven't spent a night with him. Good grief - how stupid is he??? How shallow???? How did I ever spend almost 30 years of my life on a man that could hurt his kids so badly?
What is my problem? Why do I feel the need to invalidate my emotions all the time? Why do I doubt what I feel? Why do I ignore my instincts about men - him - and marry him anyway - bring 2 girls into the world and subject them to this hurt???? WTF was I thinking??? That if I didn't marry him I wouldn't marry? How do I know that there wouldn't have been someone better around the corner?
OK - so I did it - it's done and it's over. So now what? I accepted a date tonight - for the 1st time in 26 years I have been asked out on a date!!!! I am freaked, scared, excited, quesy, hopeful.....I really don't know. Should I go? Should I bail? If I bail what kind of life am I living? It doesn't feel like much of one right now.....I work, come home, make dinner, do dishes, do laundry, watch TV and go to bed and do it all again the next day. Hiberating? That is what I feel like I have been doing - just watching things go by.
So - now what? Do I go on the date? I am scared. But do I let that fear rule my life? Do I not go because I am afraid? Or do I go in the hopes that while he may not be the "1" I will find a connection with another human being? One that will bring me back to life? Because I'm not living right now! And I hate it
Time will tell I guess
So what am I waiting for? More money? A ray of joy? Inspiration? I honestly don't know. So if I think about that - and if I am honest with myself I think I am waiting for it to happen again....for him to come running back. Even though I have sworn to myself that I won't take him back - that I have promised my kids I wouldn't do that to them again - I really think that it it! I am waiting for him to come knocking at the door asking me yet again to take him back. Is it so that I can say a resounding NO!? Or is it because I can't believe it's over? Is it because I can't stand the feeling that I failed? Should I have tried even harder than I did? How? How could I have been a better wife? I did things he asked that looking back on it no man should ever ask his wife to do! He shouldn't WANT his wife to do. But I did them - for him. Everything I have ever done since I was 20 I have done for him. How fucking sad is that???
So where does that leave me now? 26 years later I am divorced with 2 kids, in an apartment, with a car that is old and cranky, no assets, with kids who deserve so much better than this. Worrying every minute of every day about money - how am I going to pay the bills - how am I going to give them everything they want? The ex thinks the $500 a month in child support (which I was STUPID enough to tell the officer to reduce it to $500 from $647!) absolves him from ANY responsibility to them financially at all! WTF!
Divorce was final on 3/30/11 and since then the girls haven't spent a night with him. Good grief - how stupid is he??? How shallow???? How did I ever spend almost 30 years of my life on a man that could hurt his kids so badly?
What is my problem? Why do I feel the need to invalidate my emotions all the time? Why do I doubt what I feel? Why do I ignore my instincts about men - him - and marry him anyway - bring 2 girls into the world and subject them to this hurt???? WTF was I thinking??? That if I didn't marry him I wouldn't marry? How do I know that there wouldn't have been someone better around the corner?
OK - so I did it - it's done and it's over. So now what? I accepted a date tonight - for the 1st time in 26 years I have been asked out on a date!!!! I am freaked, scared, excited, quesy, hopeful.....I really don't know. Should I go? Should I bail? If I bail what kind of life am I living? It doesn't feel like much of one right now.....I work, come home, make dinner, do dishes, do laundry, watch TV and go to bed and do it all again the next day. Hiberating? That is what I feel like I have been doing - just watching things go by.
So - now what? Do I go on the date? I am scared. But do I let that fear rule my life? Do I not go because I am afraid? Or do I go in the hopes that while he may not be the "1" I will find a connection with another human being? One that will bring me back to life? Because I'm not living right now! And I hate it
Time will tell I guess
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