Well - I dated.
I am glad I did. It didn't work out but it was .....eh who am I kidding - I was sick to my stomach most of the time. I hated waiting to hear from him. I was comfortable when he was here - or we were together. He was a nice guy - but he was waiting for me to call him - me to tell him what I wanted to do. Not doing that anymore. I am so over being the orchestrator (sp?) of the relationship!
I am more than willing to meet someone half way but after almost 30 years of directing - I am done.
So I am ok - I will keep looking :)
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Date
I did it! I went on the date :) And holy crap! I had fun!!! He was sweet, engaging, attentive and interesting. We had dinner then still occupied the booth for another hour talking. Then we went outside and talked for another 20 minutes. I came home feeling accomplished - liked - confident. He asked me out for a 2nd date. And I will go. We have talked on Facebook everyday since then and he called me today. We have moved on to telephone lol. We will try to go out Saturday.
This is what I needed. Some fun! All those questions I had on my blog the other day? Gone! I know now what I would do it he came knocking at the door - let him in to say hi to his kids then send him on his way. I am not responsible for him or his happiness anymore. I am responsible for mine and my kids. I won't even try to control him or his actions - they were never in my control to begin with. What a relief! What a weight off my shoulders!!! I am not responsible for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't nor should I try to control him or his actions! What a concept lol.
I feel free for the 1st time since the divorce was final - maybe since 11/08 when he left even. I am truly free.
Thank God!!!!!!
This is what I needed. Some fun! All those questions I had on my blog the other day? Gone! I know now what I would do it he came knocking at the door - let him in to say hi to his kids then send him on his way. I am not responsible for him or his happiness anymore. I am responsible for mine and my kids. I won't even try to control him or his actions - they were never in my control to begin with. What a relief! What a weight off my shoulders!!! I am not responsible for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't nor should I try to control him or his actions! What a concept lol.
I feel free for the 1st time since the divorce was final - maybe since 11/08 when he left even. I am truly free.
Thank God!!!!!!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
New Beginnings
A friend of mine told me that writing helps him to work things out. So since I have determined not many people actually look at this maybe this is a way for me to vent - be me for once. This past year has been ......challenging I guess. Moved into an apartment after living in my own home for 14 years. Making this space my own (along with my opinionated daughters) is still a challenge - I have 1 piece of art on 1 wall. The rest are blank white.
So what am I waiting for? More money? A ray of joy? Inspiration? I honestly don't know. So if I think about that - and if I am honest with myself I think I am waiting for it to happen again....for him to come running back. Even though I have sworn to myself that I won't take him back - that I have promised my kids I wouldn't do that to them again - I really think that it it! I am waiting for him to come knocking at the door asking me yet again to take him back. Is it so that I can say a resounding NO!? Or is it because I can't believe it's over? Is it because I can't stand the feeling that I failed? Should I have tried even harder than I did? How? How could I have been a better wife? I did things he asked that looking back on it no man should ever ask his wife to do! He shouldn't WANT his wife to do. But I did them - for him. Everything I have ever done since I was 20 I have done for him. How fucking sad is that???
So where does that leave me now? 26 years later I am divorced with 2 kids, in an apartment, with a car that is old and cranky, no assets, with kids who deserve so much better than this. Worrying every minute of every day about money - how am I going to pay the bills - how am I going to give them everything they want? The ex thinks the $500 a month in child support (which I was STUPID enough to tell the officer to reduce it to $500 from $647!) absolves him from ANY responsibility to them financially at all! WTF!
Divorce was final on 3/30/11 and since then the girls haven't spent a night with him. Good grief - how stupid is he??? How shallow???? How did I ever spend almost 30 years of my life on a man that could hurt his kids so badly?
What is my problem? Why do I feel the need to invalidate my emotions all the time? Why do I doubt what I feel? Why do I ignore my instincts about men - him - and marry him anyway - bring 2 girls into the world and subject them to this hurt???? WTF was I thinking??? That if I didn't marry him I wouldn't marry? How do I know that there wouldn't have been someone better around the corner?
OK - so I did it - it's done and it's over. So now what? I accepted a date tonight - for the 1st time in 26 years I have been asked out on a date!!!! I am freaked, scared, excited, quesy, hopeful.....I really don't know. Should I go? Should I bail? If I bail what kind of life am I living? It doesn't feel like much of one right now.....I work, come home, make dinner, do dishes, do laundry, watch TV and go to bed and do it all again the next day. Hiberating? That is what I feel like I have been doing - just watching things go by.
So - now what? Do I go on the date? I am scared. But do I let that fear rule my life? Do I not go because I am afraid? Or do I go in the hopes that while he may not be the "1" I will find a connection with another human being? One that will bring me back to life? Because I'm not living right now! And I hate it
Time will tell I guess
So what am I waiting for? More money? A ray of joy? Inspiration? I honestly don't know. So if I think about that - and if I am honest with myself I think I am waiting for it to happen again....for him to come running back. Even though I have sworn to myself that I won't take him back - that I have promised my kids I wouldn't do that to them again - I really think that it it! I am waiting for him to come knocking at the door asking me yet again to take him back. Is it so that I can say a resounding NO!? Or is it because I can't believe it's over? Is it because I can't stand the feeling that I failed? Should I have tried even harder than I did? How? How could I have been a better wife? I did things he asked that looking back on it no man should ever ask his wife to do! He shouldn't WANT his wife to do. But I did them - for him. Everything I have ever done since I was 20 I have done for him. How fucking sad is that???
So where does that leave me now? 26 years later I am divorced with 2 kids, in an apartment, with a car that is old and cranky, no assets, with kids who deserve so much better than this. Worrying every minute of every day about money - how am I going to pay the bills - how am I going to give them everything they want? The ex thinks the $500 a month in child support (which I was STUPID enough to tell the officer to reduce it to $500 from $647!) absolves him from ANY responsibility to them financially at all! WTF!
Divorce was final on 3/30/11 and since then the girls haven't spent a night with him. Good grief - how stupid is he??? How shallow???? How did I ever spend almost 30 years of my life on a man that could hurt his kids so badly?
What is my problem? Why do I feel the need to invalidate my emotions all the time? Why do I doubt what I feel? Why do I ignore my instincts about men - him - and marry him anyway - bring 2 girls into the world and subject them to this hurt???? WTF was I thinking??? That if I didn't marry him I wouldn't marry? How do I know that there wouldn't have been someone better around the corner?
OK - so I did it - it's done and it's over. So now what? I accepted a date tonight - for the 1st time in 26 years I have been asked out on a date!!!! I am freaked, scared, excited, quesy, hopeful.....I really don't know. Should I go? Should I bail? If I bail what kind of life am I living? It doesn't feel like much of one right now.....I work, come home, make dinner, do dishes, do laundry, watch TV and go to bed and do it all again the next day. Hiberating? That is what I feel like I have been doing - just watching things go by.
So - now what? Do I go on the date? I am scared. But do I let that fear rule my life? Do I not go because I am afraid? Or do I go in the hopes that while he may not be the "1" I will find a connection with another human being? One that will bring me back to life? Because I'm not living right now! And I hate it
Time will tell I guess
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Fall is Here
Just wanted to let you all know that we are still so grateful to all of you for your help. CiCi still knows when Jessica isn't feeling well - if Jessie is on the couch CiCi is sleeping on top of it over her head or on her legs. She follows Jessie around after we have been in the hospital for a few days - she doesn't like the times we have to be away.
The cats are loving this cool weather - I leave the sliding glass door open and they go out on the patio and soak up the sunshine and fresh air. They chase each other around the apartment like they are kittens after spending some time out there - you wouldn't know they were 9 years old!
Our prayer for all of you is a happy and healthy holiday season! Know that you are still making a difference for us so many months later.
Noreen
The cats are loving this cool weather - I leave the sliding glass door open and they go out on the patio and soak up the sunshine and fresh air. They chase each other around the apartment like they are kittens after spending some time out there - you wouldn't know they were 9 years old!
Our prayer for all of you is a happy and healthy holiday season! Know that you are still making a difference for us so many months later.
Noreen
Friday, June 18, 2010
A week later
This has been such a full week for us. I brought the cats home last weekend but the girls didn't get back from thier Dad's until Monday. The first thing Jessie did was find CC, who was sleeping in her favorite spot - the back of the couch. She sat there talking to her and petting her for quite a while.
Monday night Jessie spiked a fever and we were up and down all night. CC was right in there with her - Jessie said she woke up to her purring at one point. We got her to the doctor Tuesday and she is feeling much better.
They are together because of you!
Noreen
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Update to Jessica and CC
I cannot begin to thank those that donated to help us bring our cats home. The security deposits have been covered and I will also be able to take them to the vet for shots and a checkup. I am heading to the leasing office to sign the paperwork to allow the cats to live here then heading to the house to bring them home!
Jessica is with her Dad this weekend so I will get them acclimated to their new home while the girls are gone. I will take a picture and post it as soon as she is with them.
Again, thank you doesn't seem like enough. Know that I will pay it forward when I am able. My heart is so full right now and it's due to the love and compassion this community has shown us. I didn't even realized how much stress the issue of the cats was causing me until now - I feel lighter and I have all of you to thank for that.
Noreen
P.S. Here they are at home on their couch's :) C.C. is on the left and Precious on the right - they are happy girls.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Jessica and CC
I am overwhelmed at the amount of people that want to help us bring our cats to our new home. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine this response when John approached me about doing an article about the effect of foreclosure on animals. I really thought people would read it, think "how sad" and continue with on with their daily lives.
You have not done that. You have shown compassion and love and I can't tell you how much that means to us. I have 2 girls, Melissa is 16 and Jessica is 13. This has been an incredibly hard year for my girls and I; the separation, having to move, Jessica's illness resulted in 6 hospital stays from November to April, she had surgery to place a permanent port under her skin for IV access in March, then having to leave the cats behind.
We have been going to the house daily to feed the cats, play with them etc. I didn't sneak them into the apartment because that would have added to my stress level - wondering when they would be found, what would I do if they did etc. With all the other stress in my life this one was something I could control.
I have placed a Paypal donation button on here for those of you who wanted to help - this is the easiest way I could think of to provide you with a way to donate.
Thank you - I don't know that we can ever express how much this means to us.
Noreen
You have not done that. You have shown compassion and love and I can't tell you how much that means to us. I have 2 girls, Melissa is 16 and Jessica is 13. This has been an incredibly hard year for my girls and I; the separation, having to move, Jessica's illness resulted in 6 hospital stays from November to April, she had surgery to place a permanent port under her skin for IV access in March, then having to leave the cats behind.
We have been going to the house daily to feed the cats, play with them etc. I didn't sneak them into the apartment because that would have added to my stress level - wondering when they would be found, what would I do if they did etc. With all the other stress in my life this one was something I could control.
I have placed a Paypal donation button on here for those of you who wanted to help - this is the easiest way I could think of to provide you with a way to donate.
Thank you - I don't know that we can ever express how much this means to us.
Noreen
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